


remember the time

by eunbinatozaki



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: +other twice/slight mention of ioi members, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-10 21:13:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12307905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eunbinatozaki/pseuds/eunbinatozaki
Summary: because missing someone is easy, finding them again is what's actually tough.or, momo was content with the memories, but now life's becoming too real.





	1. the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> this was the first thing i started writing but decided on dropping the drabbles beforehand because i wanted to start off easy before going into a whole solo thing. but i think it's a good time to drop it now.
> 
> +momo/chungha needs more appreciation anyway.
> 
> so enjoy!  
> // twitter: @chuuniversai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little start to what should be a mess for momo's memories and emotions, because really, chungha just has that effect on a person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // twitter: @chuuniversai

when momo first hears about her months after she’s claimed she’s forgotten and over it and done, it’s when they see an article online telling them that somi’s going to be on _another_ trainee debut show. she doesn’t think much of it at the time, because there’s chatter from the other girls about how brave somi is for doing this again after sixteen tried to break all of their spirits, so at first she doesn’t exactly register all the names of the other trainees that are mentioned to be going as well. it’s not until chaeyoung’s pulled out her phone to facetime somi and the girl’s are all speaking over each other to give her advice or telling her to call if it gets too hard again, that sana nudges her in the side to draw her attention, scrolling through the list of names again before showing the article to momo.

outwardly, momo shows no reaction. there’s no surprised gasp or furrowed brows. there’s no shortness of breath and no immediate need to run out of the practice room and be by herself. she just nods, glances at the name again to make sure, then nods once more before looking at sana, who seems to be expecting some big blow up but looking even more concerned over the fact that there’s not one, because she knows what this means.

it means kim chungha is going to be on her radar again.

\--------------------

it’s just two weeks later when momo finds herself squashed on their couch between an overly excited chaeyoung who’s sending a flurry of texts to somi, telling her that they’re all tuning in, and a freshly awoken jeongyeon who’s rubbing at her eyes and whining about why they couldn’t just watch this later after she’s gotten a little more sleep (and momo sympathizes with her because they’ve been working nonstop lately and jeongyeon has been sleeping less and less out of stress – but still, it’s important for them all to support one of their own anyway). she’s shushed as the show starts and suddenly it becomes all too real.

they see a ton of girls before them. some, she recognizes from the talks backstage, their seniors quietly conversing about how well they think the trainees of their companies will do on the show. a few, she knows faintly because they’ve either debuted before or are known as star trainees. others, she hasn’t the slightest clue about, but they’re good. the singing, the dancing, the rapping, the charisma, it’s everything momo’s learned, from both her tragic experience on sixteen to the sudden debut life, that an idol needs, and she can see that some of these girls have it in spades.

when somi walks onto the stage, there’s excited screams and smiles and words of awe at how much she’s grown from the last time they’ve properly seen her. when they were all living together and then on the show, somi may not have been the youngest nor did she act like it, but there was a certain need for her to be doted on because they were _there_ for the younger girl amidst any and everything that happened. but now, she’s all alone, the only from her company, the only one to represent what being a JYP artist meant to the public. and momo is so proud of her for that. she cheers and claps and whoops when somi’s placed high, doesn’t care that the other trainees attribute it to popularity because she know’s somi deserves the praise because she works just as hard as everyone else.

they sit through a few more performances before jeongyeon’s nodding off again with her head slumped back against the couch and chaeyoung’s got her phone out once more, practically bombarding somi with congratulations from them all. they know the show’s winding down and they really have no need right now to continue watching until the live shows and voting start, so jihyo suggests they just pack it in and go to sleep because they have a schedule in a few hours time. they’re all leaving, tzuyu and jihyo supporting jeongyeon’s frame as they help her out of the living room, nayeon heading to the kitchen for a drink while chaeyoung and dahyun decide they’re going to facetime somi instead, wanting to know everything that was really going on while she filmed.

it’s only after they’ve all gone that momo realizes she’s still left with mina and sana, one sitting on either side of her, both not saying anything while they all just watch the screen. because now, it’s not somi that momo’s watching for and they know it. because sana and mina were there after chungha quit the company. they were the one's who broke it to momo after the girl had already packed her bags and left, too sad and ashamed about giving up to say any proper goodbye's. they were the one's who told momo to stop calling, because they knew chungha wouldn't pick up (they don't say it's because they've all tried calling her too, because it wasn't only momo she had to leave behind - it was _all_ of them). and it was them who told momo that maybe, just maybe, it was okay to move on from the loss, because now they had an opportunity to go on a show and possibly debut and she couldn't let the memory drag her down during. so they know she’s watching for the face that’s currently on the screen, for the voice that she remembers hearing from vocal rooms in the past, for the body that she’s seen countless times in the practice room mirror as they go through hour after hour of dance routines, for the smile that’s bloomed across her face because she was handed that “A” title because she earned it.

she’s watching for chungha, they know. and they know she won't be able to move on again.


	2. let's not be strangers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> momo can't seen seem to get out of this, but she doesn't really even want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // twitter: @chuuniversai

”long time, no see.”

momo falters in her moves, right foot messily slipping across the floor when it should have glided with ease – it’s a move she’s damn near perfected by now after weeks and weeks of practicing non-stop, but a single voice throws her off within a millisecond. how more cliché could she possibly be?

she doesn’t respond, nor does she outright acknowledge the other person now standing in the room with her. usually, momo would turn and bow, be polite and accommodating and smile because that’s who she is as a person, but she can’t do that, not with her, not now. she can’t turn and face chungha, not after she just talked herself out of losing sleep over the girl again when she found out they’d be performing on the same show.

(its been weeks since she last truly stopped and thought of the girl, too lost in her own mind regarding the idea of taking part in another survival program after the last time. she’s built herself back up some since sixteen, has been able to slowly work her confidence back to a good level, a level she thinks is good enough to show on tv once more. but it crashes the moment she realizes who will be there, who will be watching.

it’s not some stranger in the crowd, someone who could be watching momo dance for the first time ever. but it’s chungha, a girl she’s trained with, a girl whose watched her try every move in her arsenal and then some. a girl who has seen momo at her then self-proclaimed best. a girl who, now, will see her when she’s just now picking herself back up again.

it all seems like some cruel joke.)

a tense, silent air hangs around them now, the music she’d been dancing to having ended long ago, neither saying anything since chungha’s initial comment. momo supposes that’s her fault, because she’s too stubborn to actually say anything, to actually suck it up and face her once again. she could chalk it up to nerves, find chungha later on and apologize, tell her how she didn’t talk because she was just too worried about the performance later on. and she knows that chungha would laugh and say it’s okay, that she’d tell momo it’s alright to be nervous, especially with what they’re doing. that she wouldn’t take it to heart because that’s just who chungha is and momo wants to scream at the fact that she _still_ knows chungha after so long.

there’s a sudden touch on her arm and before momo can think better of it or talk herself out of it, she’s instinctively turning toward the touch. chungha doesn’t say anything, instead she just gently squeezes momo’s arm and nods, as if she understands everything swirling inside momo’s mind. because as much as momo wants to scold herself for still knowing chungha, she can’t deny that the girl knew her just as much, too. and maybe she does still know momo, because all she does is smile and offer her arm out for her to take, and then she just waits. there’s no pushing, no exasperation in her posture, not even a hint of annoyance on her face at the obvious way momo tried to avoid her not even two minutes ago. because she _knows_ momo and knows that momo needs time, even now.

momo swallows, her throat suddenly dry from the nerves of being so close after being so far apart for so long. she stares at chungha’s offered arm, her own still limp at her side, the spot the girl had touched moments ago almost throbbing hotly, as if yelling _this is real, this is happening_ over and over again. it’s almost too much too fast and momo wasn’t prepared, wasn’t able to stabilize herself before she was sent zooming toward this point. but she’s here already, chungha before her, and life’s cruel joke gets a little crueler, saying to hell with her being prepared.

she musters up whatever courage she has hiding in her body, her mind nearly going blank as she curls her arm around chungha’s. and it’s like a blast from the past – the memories of them walking to the convenience store by the company, laughing and dancing across the sidewalk, not a care in the world because they were with each other. the late nights in the practice room, sweaty and laid out on the floor shoulder to shoulder, breathless musings about how their lives could change when they debut. the whispers between them at four a.m., when momo would first build up the nerve to reach out and hold chungha’s hand, then kiss her quick and soft and awkward in the dark, only to have the breath knocked from her lungs when chungha would kiss her back before saying good night and going back to her own room.

it’s all so much but momo can’t run from it now, even if she tried, even if she wanted to. she’s stuck again, completely and without a want to get away.

chungha seems to appreciate the fact that momo has finally let that last wall down, because she practically blinds momo with the smile she gives, nearly dragging her from the room and into the bustling hallway once there’s a call for the first shooting of the show, then, “i really missed you, momo.”

and something in momo nearly breaks. because while part of her wants to sneer, call chungha out and tell her she wouldn’t have to miss her if she didn’t _leave_ her, the bigger part of her just wants to bask in this moment. because chungha did miss her. it might not be the white hot way momo missed her, but chungha held onto momo in some way and the thought alone has momo tightening her hold ever so slightly against chungha’s arm as if anchoring herself to the moment.

there’s a final call for them all to get to the stage and suddenly chungha’s manager is behind her, insisting that she needs to go, yet momo wants to be selfish for once, wants to hold her there and never let go. but she knows mina is side stage already, waiting for momo after giving her time to calm her nerves, unaware of the chungha sized hole she’d known flung herself into again. so she can’t stay, no matter how much she wants to keep them both there, so she reluctantly lets go of chungha’s arm, giving a polite nod to her manager and a smile to chungha herself before she’s turning and walking away.

momo can hear the smile in chungha’s voice when she yells _i want to catch up after! don’t make me come looking for you! _after her and momo knows she’s fucked then, because really, as if she’d make chungha look for her. she knows she’ll find chungha in a heartbeat, just a little too keen on being in her sights again. and she can’t stop it.__

____

____

this is definitely life’s cruelest joke.


	3. (you're taking me from my) comfort zone pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> or, momo was comfortable in her avoidance, now it's all hitting her at once.

despite their quick meeting backstage on the show, momo hasn’t had any time to properly reconnect with chungha again. she wants to blame it on their schedules (they’ve been so busy with promotions and constant shows and fanmeets, and chungha’s been gearing up for her own sub-unit comeback) but she knows it’s mainly due to her own resistance to meeting up with the girl. she knows she wants to see chungha, wants to see if it’s possible to get back to a point they were at years back. but she knows they can’t, that _she_ can’t. momo believes that it won’t be a mutual thing like it was before they parted ways. because now, momo is the one still living in the past, still stuck on the ‘could have been’, while chungha seems completely fine and as if what happened then was nothing but a dream, something that doesn’t need to be brought up. and it kind of kills momo to not be able to talk about it.

she knows the other girls know what happened. she saw the looks mina gave her once she found her backstage, momo avoiding eye contact and all conversation about what took her so long. and she knows that mina had told sana about it, knows that sana was able to piece two and two together because sana is anything but dumb, too intuitive for her own good, and knows that all the attempts sana has made to get her alone had one distinct purpose.

(she pretends to be busy every time sana tries to pull her aside: there’s conveniently always a need to practice, maybe chaeyoung needs someone to walk with her to the store by their dorm, or maybe nayeon needs another person to watch the latest drama episode with her.

so it becomes a habit to not be alone with sana too long, ignores the talks jihyo gives in her best leader and mother-hen voice about ‘avoiding her best friend for no reason’ and keeps steadfast in her selfish need to just not talk about it.

she’ll make it up to her when she gets it all settled.)

 

* * *

 

it’s three weeks after sana’s final attempt at confrontation when momo is visited by somi, finally visiting their dorm when there is a lull in their duel promotional cycles. she’s all done up, as if she literally just walked off the stage, and momo would feel drab in her raccoon onesie (she still laughs when she thinks about the earnest smile on tzuyu’s face when the younger girl gifted her it on her birthday) and bedhead, but doesn’t because she’s sick and home alone because everyone else is practicing and it’s just somi, so there’s no need to care.

somi makes herself at home: she goes into dahyun, chaeyoung, and tzuyu’s room to find a pair of comfortable clothes to change into, scrubs her face clean of all her stage makeup, grabs herself a snack and a water from the fridge without question, then falls onto the couch beside a yawning momo with a grin, looking as if she belongs there. there was a time when momo did believe somi belonged there, surprised at the fact that she was brought back into the group last minute and somi wasn’t brought in at all. somi had all the makings to be a great member to the group, but as jyp and somi herself had said at the time: she wasn’t truly ready. and momo respects the younger girl for being so mature about the fact that she didn’t make it (she supposes now though, that just like them, somi _has_  made it with ioi – and she’s happy for the girl.)

it’s when they’re sharing a bag of chips between them while watching some random movie that had begun playing that momo finally questions how somi ended up here on her own. sure, they’re under the same company and somi is basically the groups younger sister, but she knows that she can’t just deviate from the ioi dorm, right after a performance no less, and without the other girls. when she asks somi as much, she’s surprised when the younger girl says that she isn’t alone, that one of the older members came with her, but they stayed out in the car as to not inconvenience the girl.

at that, momo is surprised. because she may be shy around people and it may make things little awkward at first, but she’d never want someone to just sit out while they were so relaxed. she laughs quietly, because she can’t believe somi didn’t actually say anything earlier, then pushes the girl from the couch, telling her to go get whoever it is and invite them in, no matter how much they insist that it’s fine. somi grumbles and whines ( _unnie, it’s such a long walk back down there!_ ) but goes anyway without much more pushing, and momo goes to grab more snacks for the three of them to share.

when she hears the door opening and somi complaining loudly (or fake complaining loudly, no doubt to annoy momo for the fact that she got sent down in the first place), momo’s just now bringing their snack back into the living room. she expects to see the ioi leader, nayoung, a face she remembers from the few times she’s come by the jyp building with managers to pick up somi for a schedule (she had presented herself to all of twice with a deep bow and a smile that seemed too nervous for the people she was greeting), but is surprised when somi steps around the corner with chungha in tow, the cans of soda in momo’s hands falling to the carpeted floor as their eyes meet.

well, she can clearly see why the girl didn’t want to be an inconvenience.

 

* * *

 

it’s only after momo has picked up the cans, haphazardly laying them across the table, and then saying something about getting chungha some comfortable clothes to wear, that she’s finally able to full process what’s happening when she walks into her shared room with jeongyeon. she’s lazily going through her wardrobe, looking through all the sweats she owns, repeatedly berating herself for not realizing that _of course_ it would be chungha in tow. sure, it’s usually a leaders job to be with their youngest if they’re doing something on their own, but momo does know that nayoung holds a leadership role over a group of girls at her own company (something somi had mentioned in passing when all of ioi came to the company to practice for their last comeback with jyp and momo could hear nonstop screaming coming from nayoung’s phone whenever she answered a call), so she can’t follow somi around all the time. so of course it would be chungha, the one person who is actually comfortable in a jyp sanctioned building. the one person who has been around momo and the girls before and wouldn’t feel awkward being in their presence.

she knocks herself in the forehead for not putting it together sooner.

momo assumes she’s taking too long, because there’s a knock on the opened bedroom door, then, “hey, if you can’t find anything, it’s okay. i can just hang out in these.”

she turns to look at chungha, smile on her face and not at all put out by the idea of her having to stay in her stage clothes while the other girls get to be comfortable – she can hear somi out in the living room, laughing loudly and commenting in english at whatever’s happening on the tv now, but all she can truly focus on is the girl in front of her – and shakes her head. she quickly pulls something from the closet and hands it over to chungha, belatedly realizing that it’s an outfit she wears around the dorm all the time when she wants to feel the most comfotable, and that selfish part of her mind flares up again, wants to see chungha only in _her_  clothes, especially the clothes she wears the most, and she motions for her to go get changed quickly.

instead, chungha just stands there and watches her. it’s like she’s reading her, trying to figure out what’s swirling in momo’s mind ( _you, you, you,_  momo’s mind chants, _it’s you_ ) and debating whether to bring up the obvious topic momo has been steadfast in avoiding since they first saw each other again. it seems chungha has no reservations, because she moves to sit on the bed, clothes laid across her lap, and pats the spot beside her, only speaking up once momo has finally worked up the courage to come sit beside her.

she takes momo’s hand, holding it between her own in a grip so soft and gentle momo could pull away if she wanted (but she can’t, she won’t), and knocks their shoulders together gently. “you never came and found me after the shoot. you avoided me when we came to jyp to learn the dance for veryveryvery. you’ve dodged my calls. you even basically ran away just now when somi brought me in.” her words aren’t accusatory, no bitterness lacing her tone or anger toward momo for her actions. they’re more-so just statements, facts, things she has noticed and taken account of, something she wants an answer to but isn’t pushing for one. “what’s going on, momo?”

momo wants to scream, tell her ' _it’s you! i can’t do this with you, not after you left. i want to be close to you but i need to stay far away. i can’t fall into this again, but i’ve gone in headfirst already'._ but she doesn’t, she just sits there, staring at her feet while chungha stares at her. she knows the girl isn’t pushing for answers, would never, but she always knows that chungha still _wants_  an answer. and sure, maybe chungha was the one who left without a word and came back without consequences, but momo allowed both – she let chungha go and let her come back just as easily. she pretended that it didn’t matter, avoided the fact that chungha was most definitely going to be a fixture in her life again no matter how much she tried to pretend otherwise.

chungha sighs, clearly knowing she won’t be given any answers, and lets go of momo’s hands, standing with the clothes and mumbling a thank you with a small smile. before she can get a full step away, momo grabs her by the wrist, her eyes still on the floor and teeth digging into her lower lip. she wants to tell her everything, to let her heart burst wide open and spill all its contents for her, but she can’t. that’s too much for her right now, too much to go into and she needs time. she says as much, that she just needs a little more time, eyes wide and hopeful as she _finally_ looks at chungha, and the girl nods and smiles, granting momo that much. so momo nods too, lets go and stands, lets her change in private as she goes back out to the living room, ignores somi’s questions about what took so long with a playful eyeroll, and leaves an open spot on the couch beside herself for chungha to fall into once she changes (which she does, a hand falling onto momo’s as she gets comfortable).

 

* * *

 

it’s about three hours later when the girls finally arrive home from practice, each holding a bag of snacks and treats from the convenience store by their dorm. it’s sana who enters first, an extra bag in hand with snacks and cold medicine specifically for momo in her other hand, when she stops just shy of fully entering the living room, the other girls stopping behind her and peeking around to see what’s holding her up.

they notice somi first, body basically thrown across the far end of the couch, mouth open wide and hair strewn across her face, one hand still stuck in a bag of chips that lay on the floor beside her (chaeyoung snickers and snaps a picture, says something about blackmail for later). then they notice momo, head falling against her chest at an awkward angle they’re sure she’ll be complaining about when she wakes up, arms wrapped around a peaceful looking chungha (sana notices the familiar design on the shirt chungha wears, files that information for later).

jihyo takes the initiative, walks around the couch and gently shakes momo and chungha awake, has to shake somi more forcefully, then clears her throat when they’re all staring at her, bleary-eyed and disorientated. momo looks at all the girls, blinking lazily and then stiffening when she catches sana’s eyes, realizing the situation she’s found herself in. she slowly moves her arms from around chungha, though the girl only snuggles closer, still too tired to care about the display, and then looks back at everyone else.

she knows there’s no way out of it this time. and from the looks they all give her (bar chaeyoung, dahyun and tzuyu who are too busy laughing at the drool dried to the side of somi’s face, but _especially_ sana) she also knows she’s been found out on what she’s been trying to avoid.

momo realizes then that, even though she told chungha she needed more time, she just ran out of it.


	4. (you are my) comfort zone pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> or, momo reflects and acts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> italics indicate flashbacks.

_momo turns onto her side, eyes squinting in the dark as she tries to read the clock across the room. 3:26 a.m. blinks back at her, reminding her that she should be asleep because she has practice at six. she knows she’ll groan about being tired later, will have to hear sana tell her, once again, that it’s her own fault for staying up so late, but she doesn’t care. momo likes staying up, no matter how much everyone tells her she needs to save her energy and sleep at appropriate times. the night is when the best things happen._

_she hears a yawn, followed by the sound of a blanket being shifted across the bed, then, “momo?” the voice is tired, the words spoken blurred in sleep, and momo smiles. this is one of her favorite times, when it’s quiet and peaceful, when everything finally slows down and you can appreciate the simple things. she likes the feel the night brings, the way it makes everyone just a bit softer around their usual hard edges, how it turns everything from vibrant reds and greens to subdued grays and whites, how words become whispers instead of shouts._

_she hums in response, a barely there sound, then waits. it’s quiet, so quiet that she thinks they’ve gone back to sleep, so she turns over away from the clock and from everything else to face the wall again. it’s only been a couple minutes before she hears the bed creak again and then the quiet footfalls across their carpeted floor._

_momo is about to turn, about to question why they got up, when a hand on her shoulder stops her from moving. she stills as the hand just sits there, not pushing or pulling, just sits, and momo waits. after what feels like hours to her, the hand finally drops and then her covers are being pulled aside, a body sliding in behind hers with another yawn, “go to sleep, momo. we have to get started early tomorrow.”_

_momo nods, presses her face into her pillow to suppress her smile as an arm lazily drapes across her waist and a face hides away against the crook of her neck. she whispers their name, something quiet and muffled against her pillow and they hum in response, a quiet sound that slowly tampers out as they drift back into sleep._

_“goodnight, chungha.”_

_yeah, the night is when the best things happen._

* * *

momo watches as jihyo offers to walk somi and chungha back out to their van, half-heartedly waving after the two once they’ve got their shoes on and all she can see is their backs as they head down the hall to the elevator. she knows there’s nothing wrong with having them here, jihyo herself had said she missed them and that they should come over more often. but she knows, just by the look sana is giving her, their presence isn’t what’s the problem here. she stands from the couch and grabs the trash from the snacks they’d eaten, avoiding everyone’s eyes as she makes her way to the kitchen. she needs to get away from the tense air that’s hanging around in the living room, needs a moment to breathe and think before everything completely crashes down.

she forcefully stuffs the empty snack bags into the trashcan, an angry huff leaving her lips with each hard push further and further into the can. she stops when she hears a throat being cleared and sighs, suddenly tired and exasperated and just not ready, and glances over her shoulder, meeting eyes with an equally exasperated looking sana. momo knows what’s coming, could tell from the moment sana knew that chungha was back around, and she knows there is no way for her to get out of this now. momo knows sana, knows that if she wants an answer, she will do everything it takes to get one, no matter how much the other person protests. and when it comes to matters that involve momo, sana never gives up. so she stands up straight and faces her friend, shoulders pulled tight and staring her head on, no matter how much she wants to look away. 

sana just watches her for a moment, silent and calculating, then she’s moving forward and bringing momo into her arms, chin hooked over her shoulder and squeezing her tight. “why are you doing this to yourself? i can’t let you do this again.”

and momo cracks at that. because, she knows she was selfish when chungha first left. she neglected everything she needed to do, stopped talking, stopped hanging with everyone. she just focused on chungha and why she left and if she could get her to come back. and it was sana who had to be the one to snap her out of it, knock some sense into her and get her back in gear. it was sana who had to deal with the nights where momo refused to sleep because she was sure chungha would show up again. it was sana who helped momo be herself again.

yet, here she is, willingly falling back into the deep end without a moment of hesitation. she knows it’s bad, knows it might be too soon, but she can’t help it. she’s already too deep in again. she wraps her arms around sana in return, presses her face to her neck, “you can’t stop me this time, i’m sorry.”

* * *

_chungha’s been acting different lately, momo notices. the girl doesn’t sit beside her anymore after practice when they all go out to eat. she doesn’t offer her shoulder to momo in the van when she can see the girl is obviously tired. she doesn’t run into their room on days momo stays home, smile on her face, and explain a new move she learned that day. she still crawls into momo’s bed at night, but now it’s without a word and she doesn’t hold momo anymore. she doesn’t acknowledge momo much anymore, and momo doesn’t know why._

_when she finally corners chungha after a practice one day, waving everyone else off as they offer to wait, momo squeezes chungha’s shoulder once the door closes, concern tugging her face into a frown. she hands chungha the water bottle in her hand, watches the girl as she avoids eye contact while she drinks, then squeezes her shoulder more determinedly this time. “chung?”_

_its only then that chungha finally looks at her and momo swears it’s like nothing she’s seen on chungha’s face before. she looks depleted, like her entire world has just stopped and will never start again, no matter how much she tries. she looks like she’s given up completely, and it worries momo because chungha is always the one fighting the hardest, doing the most to get things done. but now, it looks like all the fight has just been sucked out of her and what’s left is someone momo doesn’t recognize._

_“it’s over, momo.”_

_momo watches as she shrugs her hand off, grabs her bag and leaves the practice room, the door slamming behind her. she doesn’t know what’s over, but she knows she won’t like it._

_she sleeps alone that night._

* * *

momo stares at the ceiling now. after sana had found her in the kitchen, they’d stayed there for just about twenty minutes before nayeon sauntered in, yelling about how they needed to get started on cooking. she had seen the display before her and said nothing, just watched as the two broke away, sana whispering something to momo before they parted ways, sana asking nayeon what they were making and momo going to hide away in her room.

she’s been here ever since, just staring at the ceiling and wondering how she’s ended up here. she figures it’s a culmination of multiple things: her memories, her inability to let go, her heart, and her mind. she wants to forget, but she can’t when chungha makes up such a big part of her past now. and she knows it’s bad, knows it puts a strain on everyone around her because they don’t know if they should bring the girl up when they’re mentioning something somi told them, knows that they all tread on thin ice because of her and momo hates it.

she hates that she’s like this, that she never got her closure. she hates that, even though it was in the past, that she still holds on so tight. but she mainly hates the fact that she doesn’t hate it at all. she likes the idea of chungha being back in her life, no matter what way it is. and she wants to be selfish and strong, for once in her life, after being made out to be weak.

* * *

_momo watches from her bed as chungha moves around the room, picking up worn clothes from the floor and tossing them into a pile with their other dirty clothes. they say nothing to each other, momo just watching and chungha just cleaning, but it’s somehow different than their usual silence. ever since momo cornered chungha in the practice room two weeks back, the girl has made it her sole mission to not be alone with momo again, even going so far as to offer to help clean the practice room after hours (and none of them ever wanted to do that)._

_“what did you mean by ‘it’s over’?” she questions finally, watches how chungha freezes for a moment before she stuffs the clothes into the hamper. she’s taking her time, stalling, momo can tell. but that’s fine, she has all the time in the world to wait. it’s something thats been bothering her since it was said, and if it takes another month for her question to be answered, then so be it, she’ll wait a month._

_instead of a month, it takes another few silent moments before chungha’s turning to face momo, and for once, her face is unreadable to her. it’s almost like the look she had in the practice room, yet this one is resigned, as if accepting whatever fate she was handed, and is just going where the wind takes her now. it makes momo tense, worried and cautious._

_“all of it, momo. this, me,” she pauses and wets her lips, looks over momo’s face briefly before focusing on the clothes in her hands, then quietly, “us.”_

* * *

momo reaches out and grabs her phone from the bedside table, fingers mechanically going through the motions of unlocking the device and typing in the number she knows by heart still, even to this day.

she presses it to her ear, listens as it rings and rings and rings, and is about to hang up when it clicks and there’s silence for a few seconds before a voice speaks, surprise lacing the tone. “momo?”

“i know this is random,” she says in lieu of a proper greeting, eyes squeezing shut as she forces herself to push on. “but could you meet me later on? like around two at han river?” it’s quiet for a moment and momo can hear the noise in the background (someone yelling about no climbing over the sofa when someone is trying to sleep there), then, “sure, two sounds good.”

momo nods even though they can’t see and clears her throat. “see you then, chungha.”

* * *

_“us?” she repeats, voice quiet and unsure, watches as chungha just continues to collect clothes as if she hadn’t just dropped a bomb onto momo’s entire existence. “what do you mean by that?”_

_momo isn’t stupid, she knows what all this means. but she wants to hear chungha say it, wants her to admit that she’s the one running away without explanation. because to momo, they were good, great even, and then all of a sudden, this happens. but she knows she won’t get an explanation willingly._

_momo reaches for chungha as the girl moves, grabs at her wrist desperately, doesn’t relent even as chungha tries to twist away. she tries to catch her eyes, tries to see something, anything, that will tell her what she wants to know, but nothing. it’s like chungha’s cut herself off from everything – from the situation, from the outcome, from momo._

_chungha twists again, this time harder, this time with purpose, and momo finally lets go._

_momo wants to scream, to beg, to cry. but she won’t, she can’t, she refuses to be broken down even more right now. she can’t be the weak one. they’ve both made decisions, and chungha made one for them both now, despite momo trying so hard to hold on._

_momo lets go of that, too._

_two days later, chungha is gone._

* * *

momo shakes sana at one forty-five, ignores the sleepy and dazed look the girl gives her and whispers about her departure. sana barely questions it, just yawns and tells momo to be safe because sana _just knows_ but doesn't force her to stay, and then turns over again once momo leaves the room.

her walk to han river is a quiet one and it gives her proper time to think. think about where this conversation can go and what could happen from there. think about all the things that have led to this moment and what this moment itself could lead to.

but her biggest thought is that chungha can’t run this time.


	5. everything crashes around us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> or, momo realizes that some things just can't be fixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short-ish update before the final chapter and then epilogue.

when momo makes it to the han river, she realizes that maybe, just maybe, she’s in over her head again. it’s been years since she and chungha had anything meaningful, anything that toed the line between friendship and more, yet here she is, still not able to move on fully from it and asking the girl to meet her out in the dead of night. she knows it’s a bit much, to hold on and never let go, especially after it ended. but she has chungha back now, she has the girl offering up her friendship again, and momo knows she can’t pass this opportunity up. when will she ever get that again?

(she won’t, she knows. she has to take this shot now, do everything in her power to make it count.)

“remember when we used to sneak out come here when we were trainees?”

momo doesn’t jump at the sudden question, only nods and glances to the side as chungha steps up beside her, the shorter girl bundled up in a thick jacket and scarf, a pair of purple bunny slippers on her feet. she must have waited until the very last moment to leave her place, momo assumes, smiling at how it’s such a chungha thing to do as she pulls the gloves from her hands and offers them to her just as the girl blows on her own to warm them up. momo sits down on the step beneath them once she takes them, doesn’t dare comment on how beautiful the shy smile chungha gave her in thanks was, doesn’t believe she can handle the outcome.

“we always came after late practices, right?” she nods at her own question, knows that they came whenever practice ran too late and they felt trapped inside. knows that, when everyone else was asleep, they’d take the walk when the city finally fell quiet, hand in hand, and talk about everything they didn’t get a chance to say earlier. knows that it was one of the few times momo thought trainee life was worth it, because it allowed her to have moments like this. “it was fun being with you then, i miss it.” there’s a pause, momo bites at her lip, ignores the slight tang of iron that drips onto her tongue, “i miss _you_.” chungha sits beside her at that, close enough to where momo can feel her presence, but too far for momo to wrap an arm around her like she used to, to pull her close and keep her there.

she twists her fingers together at the thought.

“it was nice to get away, to just have a little fun after all the hard work we constantly put in,” chungha starts, voice quiet, wistful, as if she’s remembering it right before her eyes, “it was nice to always have that time with you, so it feels good to be here now.” she turns to momo, that usual smile on her face, and nods once, “i missed it – you – all of it. it’s as if nothing changed.”

momo twists her fingers tighter, head shaking quickly at chungha’s words. “everything _has_ changed, though. we don’t do this anymore – we can’t do this anymore. we aren’t the kids we were years ago, we’ve seen too much, done too much.” she hates that this is how it is, that after years of running from what happened, she has to be the one to bring it back up. “we were something when we used to do this. i don’t know what exactly, but it was good. maybe even great, but you—” she pauses, swallows thickly against her drying throat, eyes downcast and shoulders taught, “—you—you just gave it all up.” momo turns then to finally look at chungha, to demand answers or closure or something that will make it feel like her heart isn’t about to burst from her chest. “why did you do that?”

she watches as chungha fidgets, as her eyes look at everything but momo, a weak smile curling onto her lips as she shakes her head. “ah, things just happen,” she finally says after what feels like years without a word between them, her voice quiet, almost a whisper. “sometimes, things just end when they do, you know? can’t be controlled. it just happened, momo.” she reaches out, hand hesitating before she pats momo’s knee three times, as if placating her, hand falling away a moment later. “you understand, right?”

a part of momo wants to say yes, to agree to understanding. but she can’t, she won’t. she knows it’s all excuses, knows that chungha had a reason for what she did, but refuses to tell her. it reminds her, loosely, of all the times her parents deemed a topic too big for her to handle and would rather spout pretty words of excuse to her instead, just so they wouldn’t have to deal with the outcome of her newfound knowledge of whatever happened. she hates, so so much, and she won’t take it anymore.

“that’s not true,” she states, gaze still focused on the older girl (who is steadfast in not meeting her eye to eye), “you can’t say things just happen when it was you who just threw it all away then left completely right after. it wasn’t fair for you to make that decision to end things, whatever they were. and you never apologized or even tried to talk to me again until, maybe, you thought i’d forgotten.” she stands, shoves her freezing hands into her pockets and stares down at the girl, “did you even care?”

chungha says nothing, doesn’t even look up as momo stands, just stares ahead and momo sighs, knowing that’s it. she doesn’t know exactly how she ended up here, more hurt than she was years back, but somehow, she did. somehow, chungha still has that way about her that breaks momo down without even really trying, and momo wants to scream. she wants to go back to that day when chungha left, yell at her to stay, to keep trying, to not let everything just end instead of letting her go. maybe then, they would have never ended up at a place like this, a place where it feels like everything has completely been given up on.

“it was never over, not really,” momo says, voice devoid of all the unbridled emotion it held earlier. she’s too tired to fight anymore, too worn out to keep pushing against the brick wall chungha’s put up again. “and maybe it really is over now, i don’t know.” momo stares out to the river, listens to the small waves that crash together, listens to the quiet but even breaths chungha lets out, listens to her own heart beat loudly in her ears, then turns away and heads back up the steps to head home. “we’ll see how it goes,” she calls back over her shoulder, not daring to look back.

(if she does, she’ll want to stay. she’ll want to fight for this and make chungha fight back, to get something good out of all of this.

but she can’t, not anymore.)

this time, momo is the one who lets go first.


End file.
